All this exciting talk of business conferences and leadership seminars has me thinking about the vast motivation conference industry. Why shouldn’t our own organization, Kaplan and Martindale, Inc. try its hand in this field?
What I propose is a series of conferences called “From Schlemiel to Schtoonk: Action Power Seminars.” We’ll put our clients on a track that will correspond to how many times they attend our meetings, for which we'll charge a nominal admission fee of $579 dollars. In order to enhance a sense of progress and success, our clients will receive certificates that recognize their progress as they move up from “ Schlemiel to Schtoonk.” Here are descriptions of the success levels:
Level One: Schlemiel.
The Schlemiel is the real bedrock of corporate organization. He or she is in a unique situation to grapple with entrepreneurial opportunities where the rubber really meets the road, where, in fact, the Schlemiel often gets run over. Certificate fee: $25 dollars.
Level Two: Schmuck.
What can I say? The Schmuck is probably the most recognized face in the business world today, and the occasion of clients receiving their Schmuck Certificate always creates great excitement at the seminars, where becoming a Schmuck is followed by heavy drinking. Certificate fee: $75 dollars
Level Three: Lucky Schmuck.
A real milestone. The Lucky Schmuck is recognized for his mastery of the art of getting paid for doing nothing. And who says doing nothing is without value? It beats working! And, anyway, not having something to do is of little concern to the Lucky Schmuck, because he doesn’t want to do anything meaningful in the first place. Certificate fee: $178 dollars.
Level Four: Lt. Schmendrick.
Our Lt. Schmendricks are real go-getters. You can recognize them by their chiseled features, beady eyes, and that radiant aura of keen entrepreneurial ability that says, “I’m ready to kick my fellow Schmendricks down stairs!” Certificate Fee: $237 dollars.
Level Five: Full Schmendrick.
Very few conference clients ever make it to full Schmendrick, and I’m going to tell you why. First, the requirements to become a Full Schmendrick are very difficult to achieve. Characteristics such as good grooming and meticulous personal hygiene, finely chiseled facial features, and the ability to speak to large numbers of people and successfully deceive them are rarely found altogether in a single individual. Indeed, it’s rare to find these qualities in twenty Lt. Schmendricks combined. Also, the Full Schmendrick must possess the ability to make things happen around him without people’s knowledge. This is not to say that our Full Schmendrick is a Machiavel, but it is perhaps indicative that our Full Schmendrick is most often found working in black budget government intelligence departments, or in the motivational speaking industry. Also, the certificate for this level is quite expensive, and anybody willing to pay for it has got to be a Schlemiel! Certificate Fee: $925 dollars.
Level Six: Schtoonk.
Our highest distinction. Everybody hates the Schtoonk, talks behind his back, envies him, but at the same time obeys him without question, flatters him to his face, and secretly wishes he could become a Schtoonk himself. Really, to be a Schtoonk is the Walter Mitty dream of all our clients. Schtoonks are very wealthy, and they are welcome to attend our seminars free of charge. Actually, people who pay for our meetings are forever disqualified from obtaining the level of Schtoonk, but only you and I are privy to this information.
It's a great opportunity, Chip, and I suggest we move on it pronto!
Talk to you soon,